I fall all too easily into passivity. Today I am reminded that my life is mine to take control of.
The thought came from a distinct realization that I was having fun. I was laughing again. A co-worker even commented that I seemed incredibly chipper today and that he liked it. It made me smile and realize that I haven’t allowed myself to fully engage my own life lately.
I’ve been so swallowed up in heartache that it began to isolate and paralyze me. Not that I wasn’t doing things that are in and of themselves enjoyable, in fact I have been forcing myself to do all the things I know bring me happiness. But I wasn’t allowing myself to be happy in them.
It’s not as if I do not feel sorrow today. I am still saddened by several things that have been weighing on my heart lately. The difference is that those things are not defining me today; they are not tied around me like a straight jacket.
At the end of the day, I cannot do much about the things that sadden me. Generally, I just let them have control and passively wait for them to go away. I don’t want to do that any more. If I can do something about any of them, I will stand up and do it, or I will make a choice to leave it alone. But no longer will I choose to let it control me.
Well, not today anyway.
I’ll reconsider all this tomorrow.
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