Majority Rules

I was thinking today about all the choices I've made in my life and how things might be different had I chosen differently; how the direction of my life might have gone. Sometimes I wonder how exactly I ended up here; why here? Why now? Why did it turn out this way? The why questions weigh so heavily.  

Sometimes I think the choices I make are fairly inconsequential. Yet some decisions have dramatically altered the course of my life, and there's no getting around that. Generally I can convince myself that I made the right call, that I counted the cost and moved in the right direction; sometimes dodging a bullet, sometimes just taking the higher road. I know there will come a day when I can look back and know that every step, every detour was worth it; that my journey was not wrecked with miscalculations and deviant judgment. There will come a time when I will look back and know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what's best for me. But for today, I will simply weigh the good against the bad, and be thankful that the majority rules in my favor.

 

Welcome back, Resolve.

Time management is becoming a difficult issue for me lately, which is odd considering I have always been a fairly organized person. But it is no longer a matter of organization but of priorities. There are simply too many things to do in the amount of time I have in a given day, or week, or what have you. I know that if I want to do well in school, I need to spend time on it every day, totaling at least ten hours each week. I start to compromise that in the face of other things I deem as priority as I go along. Soon enough, everything has been labeled a priority and nothing is ever given my full attention.

I consider myself a passionate person. If I am going to do something, I want to do it with all that I am and all that I have. I am not satisfied with doing just enough; I throw my whole self into it. That isn't possible though when everything I do is fighting for first place in my life and time runs shorter than my to-do list.

In thinking about what should really take priority in my life, I was reminded of my resolutions from last year:

This year I resolve ...

... to laugh as hard and as often as I can, until it becomes contagious.... to brighten someone's day, every day.... to cry as hard and as long as it takes to walk through the pain, into a better day.... to smile all the time, just because I can.... to have fun in every circumstance and situation.... to love in every way possible, and then some.... to walk through the mountains and valleys of life with my best friends, carrying their burdens as they carry mine.... to leave a legacy for my family of a compassion and strength that can only come from God alone.... to display my life for the world to see; learning from my mistakes, accepting help in my struggles, and celebrating my successes.... this year I choose to be happy.

The last line is a clincher, "This year I choose to be happy." I don't usually like to say this, but just this once, it really is about me. Much of my life has been driven by what other people expect or ask or demand of me. The way I schedule my time, the activities I do, the places I go, are all dictated by something outside of me. It is at that point when each day slips from being a joy to being a burden and happiness evades my soul to suddenly.

Last year I took that happiness back and, as selfish as it may sound; I made my life about me. The irony is that in gaining control of my own life, I was then free to give it away – to pour it into someone else, to pour it into the things I am passionate about. I admit, it is a natural tendency of mine to slide into the role of compliance. Yet standing on my resolve was the best thing I have done with my life and last year was one of the greatest. It was a year of trial, a time of testing and not always did I remain strong, but I learned and grew and continued. It was a year of renewing my joy for life and finding myself again, becoming reacquainted with my heart's desires and passions – a great awakening.

Today, as I find myself struggling with cramming everything into a single day, I am reminded to stand on my resolve and purposefully evade the role of compliance. What do I really want to do? What am I passionate about? In ten years, what will I regret not doing today? These are the things I hold as priorities, and I resolve to hold them high.

 

Created for Greatness

I have been overwhelmed lately at the great and vast responsibilities I have been given at work. There is so much to do and yet so much I haven't even thought about doing, things I should be planning and organizing. Psalm 8:6 – 8 says, "You put us in charge of everything you made, giving us authority over all things - the sheep and the cattle and all the wild animals, the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea, and everything that swims the ocean currents." As I was thinking how amazing and overwhelming such responsibility is, I prayed, "God, why would you give man such responsibility? You have to know we can't handle that much!" Then I realized that maybe we were created for a greatness that we don't recognize simply because we don't believe, we don't see it in ourselves, and all the while God is crying out to us, saying "You can do this, I know, I made you for this!"

My mind is riddled with doubt even as I type this. I often underestimate myself and in doing so, underestimate God; the same God who created me, who placed me here and gave me this responsibility. I know that I can't do all of this on my own; he did not intend for it to be such, that is why he says his spirit lives in me and that is why he calls me to let other people into my life. Yet I have a feeling that he created us to be great, much greater than we imagine ourselves. The key, I think, is to believe that there is more inside ourselves than we can see. And then take a step toward the unending battlefield of responsibility and enjoy the life he has allowed us to live.

it doesn't always make sense

What happens to a person when they love someone who doesn't love them back? What happens to the soul of someone who believes in another such that they would pour their whole self into the dreams and hopes of someone else, and it's still not enough? What happens then? Does that wound ever heal?

Sometimes things don't work out; they just don't. Sometimes it's easy to find a way to rationalize, a reason, an answer. Then there are times when no explanation can be substantiated, nothing strong enough to carry a wounded heart into healing. Sometimes we have to carry our own wounds, and keep on walking.

We are all searching, aren't we? Searching for something, or someone, that can satisfy us, fulfill us, make us feel good with ourselves and with the world. What is it that makes me feel good about myself? What makes me feel right with the world? I don't know yet. I, too, am still searching.

 

Self-Liberated

"The essayist is a self-liberated  man, sustained by the childish belief that everything he thinks about, everything that happens to him, is of general interest." – E. B. White

The human race is a fascinating gathering. We love to gloat over our self-sufficiency and adulthood, gallantly holding up the mantle of independence. Scarcely should we look back on our childhood but to glean a moment that has passed all too quickly. Dare we admit a jealousy of time itself, that has ravished us of desire and hope and passion? And so we carry on at a much quicker pace than necessary, rushing towards an end we know nothing of. Our goals have lost their appeal, yet we yearn that much deeper for something unattainable.

There is a commonality at the core of the human shape, a pattern that draws us together while at the same time decisively waging war between us. We are individuals, we are strong, we need only ourselves. The battle mantra shouts a deafening cry to silence togetherness.

What is it that guides one to another? A child expecting the embrace of a parent who doesn't show up; a girl who yearns for the protection of her father; a boy who screams out at the injustice of a silent mother. Is it that guidance which has shoved us so far apart?

Reflected in the memories of my life are shades of color resembling your soul. Clarity, it is said, comes in moments; brief segments of time that reveal not what is new, but rather that which has always been and yet remained unknown. Clarity, then, is the revelation of a past reality. It begs the question of how past realities are reconciled with the current.

Are there mirrored images in each of our lives, such that when I look at you, I see a glimpse of me? It is not so childish to believe, then, that I am of general interest; that one life might appeal to another simply on the basis that both exist. That is the brilliant beauty of the human soul; it reflects all that surrounds it and becomes a sculpted mosaic, inspiring awe within a wearied race.