Evolving

Why are women so emotional? I don't really understand this rollercoaster that I sometimes feel I'm riding through life. I don't even like to tell people that because I don't want to be pegged as a psychological basket case, but I think that if we're all honest with ourselves, it's normal. At least, that's what I tell myself on days like today when coming off a fairly good weekend my outlook on life is not quite what it was 24 hours ago. How much has truly changed in 24 hours? The sad truth is – nothing, except my perception of life, a few new realizations about my deepest motivations and conflicting desires. Other than that, really nothing at all.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and see myself for who I really am and am astounded in a horrible way.  Like when I hear myself say things like "I'm really annoyed with this homeless guy who keeps bugging me for stuff." Seriously? Annoyed with a homeless guy? You've got to be kidding me. And he keeps bugging me for stuff? Yeah, that guy sucks.  

What's truly beneath my frustration is not a deep rooted hatred for homeless people. No seriously, it's not. It's my own unhappiness and discontentment with myself. I hadn't noticed it recently because I had a pretty big distraction; school. School has been the one thing diverting my attention when I don't want to face the reality of today. It has been my ticket out of here; one I've pursued at the expense of my last free minute. That refuge has been temporarily set aside however. Remember the 29 blissful days I'm taking off?

Bliss has turned to a rather jolting revelation of truth, allowing me to see and feel much more than I had desired. Why do I always find myself back in this place asking the same questions over and over and over and over and over and over? What am I doing here? What do I really want to be doing? How to do I do that? Why do I feel so out of place? Why was I led here if it always comes to this? Is it me?

Looking at my life from the outside, I honestly don't have much to complain about. For all intents and purposes, I really do have a great life with amazing friends and even my family, however taxing, is better than most. For their sake, I hesitate to say any of this. But I think that at the core of every human being, we all ask the daunting questions; the why questions, and the how questions, and the when questions. I believe they keep most of us awake at night. I refuse to believe I'm alone in that.

At times I think that life is one big wrestling match. I battle with a few why questions now, a couple when and how questions tomorrow. Eventually new questions will come about; probably as soon as I think I finally have the answers. I used to think it was always about the answers, about the end, about the finding out and being settled on something. More and more, though, I'm beginning to think it's really about the wrestling, about the honesty and authenticity of not knowing or understanding, about the striving to be and yet somehow knowing you'll never fully become.

It seems far less disappointing to strive for something you know you'll never fully grasp and share that journey with others, than to think you can find all the answers and secretly feel like a failure who alone has never found the end while everyone else carries on.

Walk With Me

Yesterday evening I took a long walk on the beach. Strolling down the shore line I thought about everything that has happened in my life over the past ten years. I thought about all the great times I've had and all the rough things I've gone through. When I step back and look at who I am today, where I am and how my life has unfolded, I am overwhelmingly grateful. I'm amazed at the places God has rescued me from; how he has pulled me out of places where I had gotten myself stuck. I remembered stepping on the very same beach when I moved here ten years ago and how I never thought back then that I'd still be here. I certainly never thought I would have gone through all that I have in those ten years.

I imagined myself stepping back onto the beach in ten years from now, thinking back over my life. This time I'd be watching my kids run out ahead of me as we walked the beach together. For a moment, I smiled. Then I became overwhelmed with the realization that the next ten years of my life are in no way going to be easier than the last ten, and that in fact they would most likely be harder. How will I manage the next phase of my life; all the decisions, the choices?

What am I going to do after school? What will it be like to finally be doing something I really love? What's it going to be like when I get married? Will he want to live here? Will I move? How do I decide when to have kids? And how many? How do we decide how we are going to raise our kids? How am I going to teach my kids all the things I want them to know without pushing them too hard? How do I know when I'm being too laid back or when I'm coming on too strong? What if I don't protect them enough? What I shelter them too much? How do I raise my kids in a way that passes on only the good from my parents and breaks the cycle of the bad? How do I decide who to let watch my kids? Will I have to work? Will I like staying home? What happens when my kids go to school and I freak out about not being able to be there?

I could write a novel based on all the questions I have. It strikes fear in the core of my very being, it really does. That kind of fear, the questions of the unknown, is usually what drives my instincts to kick in; my instincts to run away. I'm a natural quitter at heart, I really am; it's sad. I hate that about myself. I don't deal well when things get hard, when I don't have answers, when there's no one there to take care of me, to decide for me, to tell me what to do.

If anything though, the past ten years have shown me that those instinct, the ones that make me want to turn and run, are completely wrong. I have found that when I stay, when I persevere, when against all odds I maintain a hope that things will get better, they actually do. Things change, they evolve, they improve. Not only that, but even greater things happen; things I never could have wished for or scripted into life had I wrote it myself. I have found happiness in the very place I didn't want to go and I remind myself of that every single day.

she was a perfect stranger

I was reminded today of the impact I have on other people. That's not meant to be an arrogant statement by any means. Sometimes, like today, I wish I had no affect on anyone at all. For the past couple of days I've been sick, which means I've probably been in a less than attractive mood and feeling overly sorry for myself. Add to that already negative state, the added pressure of trying to taking sick days without really taking sick days. The level of phone calls and emails has suddenly risen over the course of the last two days, as it's a well known fact that my phone and my computer are the best means to access me when I'm not physically present. Trying to put out fires when I don't feel like fighting causes all sorts of arguments to go on inside my head. I'm sure I would be a real treat to a psycho therapist right now.

So I take my sick self and gather my laundry, which by the way has been piling up for almost three weeks. As I'm cramming it all into my bags to take it to the Laundromat, I'm having this rather animated conversation with myself and I find that I am starting to slam each item of clothing harder and harder into the bag until I'm yelling at it like it could possibly understand what's going on. Realizing how pathetic I have become in that moment, I struggle out the front door of my apartment and throw the bags in my car (stepping in the gutter water in sandals as I step off the curb… so typical). I blared the music as I speed my way over to the laundromat and once I'm there, struggle to carry my big duffle bags of dirty laundry into the Laundromat. At his point I could have been muttering out loud to myself and I wouldn't have even noticed.

I find a few open washers and begin shoving quarters in the machine, adding the feeling of being completely ripped off to an already growing sense of frustration. I happen to glance up at a lady who caught my eye because she's wearing socks with Birkenstock sandals. I remember passing her in the doorway to the Laundromat as I floundered in with all my stuff. Unfortunately, we catch eyes and as I try to look away, she starts talking to me, "You know it's amazing how happy everyone seems here. Everyone walking in with such big smiles on their faces."

Was she serious? Is she joking? I don't even know this woman but I'm pretty positive that I didn't walk in with a smile on my face, which a moment later I realized was her point.

She continued, partially laughing, "I mean you should have seen the look on your face when you walked in here. If I had a camera to capture that."

I tried to gather myself in a moment of embarrassment. I forced out a half smile and a semi-laugh, "Yeah, I guess I'm not too stoked today."

"Yeah, well, no one likes doing laundry." And she walked away.

It's moments like these that just jump up and slap you right across the face. Moments that catch you at your worst and remind you, loud and clear, that it's not about you. I was instantly reminded that as I was festering away inside my head, my very demeanor was affecting those around me – people I didn't even know. Who knows why this lady said what she said or why she chose to say it to me. But as a perfect stranger, she managed to knock me down off my ever growing tower of pride and remind me that there are people around me who need to see more than the scowl on my face.

29 Days

I love the feeling of finally making a decision that I've been agonizing over and feeling like it was the best move I could have possibly made. As of today, I have successfully completed a full year at UOP, which means I only have one more to go. I took two measly weeks off since that first dedicated day online. Today, I opted to take a 29 day break. I admit, 29 is an awkward number. I think that's why I like it. It also happens to be the maximum amount of time I can take off without having to reapply for financial aid when I get back.

What am I going to do with the next 29 days of freedom? I am thrilled with the overwhelming feeling of "I have absolutely no idea!" By taking this break, I have freed up at least ten hours a week in my schedule. TEN HOURS! Wow. I need a moment to soak that in…….

Okay, I'm back. Like I was saying… what am I going to do with all that free time? Well, for starters, I am vowing to not fill even a single minute of it with anything work related. Absolutely not. That is my first and most sacred rule for the next 29 days.

Maybe I will use it to finally get back to writing. I can read the stack of books that have been piling up on my desk all year. I will have time to jog more than three times a week (watch out now!) I can actually watch the Laker playoffs (oh, what a dream come true!) And maybe, just maybe, I will sit and do absolutely nothing.

Today is a good day.