Hi. Hey. Hello!

Hi there. Something a little different today. I thought I’d update you a bit on my life, as so much has happened. Except writing, that so much hasn’t happened.

I got engaged! So many people breathed a sigh of relief that sounded a lot like “finally”. Instead of being offended, I just smile. I had a chance to get married and have babies fifteen years ago but I didn’t take it. The last decade of my life has been a marathon of “Should I have?”, “I’m glad I didn’t!”, “Wait, maybe I should have…” and “What was I thinking?!”

I have always been a martyr of public opinion.

Time has been good to me though. Growth has been good to me. Shedding concern and fear of other people’s expectations and assumptions has been a total game changer. It feels good to stretch out into my own being and settle into my own skin. Me. I get to choose now.

Planning a wedding is no easy task. Neither is fielding the multitude of questions and shielding myself from the assault of opinions and oh-so-helpful suggestions. It is a whirl wind of excitement, fear, happiness, dreaming and total anxiety. I am grateful though to have the most amazing people surrounding me and holding my shit together. I cannot wait to share our Day with all you lovelies.

Besides my main man putting a ring on it, the most thrilling thing going on in my life is yoga. (Half my readers just rolled their eyes and clicked close.) I have managed to develop a regular home practice that has challenged me, encouraged me, and helped me get in touch with myself. That felt weird to even type so I know that might have been strange to read, too. Sorry about that.

Really though, taking time to slow down, to connect to what’s truly going on inside of me, clear my mind and challenge myself physically, emotionally and mentally, is a deeply personal and disciplined practice that has changed me. I don’t like to say it changed me, though. Rather, it has helped me to shed all the layers I have worn in order to appear the way you want me to look. It has enabled me to face myself and to embark on a journey of being myself.

I say it’s a journey because being myself isn’t something I’ve done much of and I realize it won’t happen overnight. I also think that as we grown older and mature and go through all the experiences of life, we shift and tilt and adjust in ways that make us look different. We are still ourselves though and the trick is continuing to look in the mirror and like what we see. That, my friends, is a journey.

Love the journey. Fall in love with the process. That is life. That is my goal.

So that’s me today. That’s my check-in. I am embracing this time in my life, planning for the big day while trying to stay grounded in the now. So grateful for the trek thus far and thrilled about rest of the ride.

Enjoy it for what it is.

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Double Dog Dare

The brick was heavy in my hands as I held it up over my head. I can still feel the rough edges sliding between my palms as the momentum carried it back. My arms and stomach tightened as I began to shift my weight forward. I bit down on my lower lip and closed my eyes. Everything went silent as I lunged forward and threw it as hard as I could.

I opened my eyes in time to see it flying across the yard and going straight through the front window. Everyone paused for a split second in sheer disbelief that I had done it. I don’t do things like that. I don’t take dares. I don’t throw bricks through windows of vacant houses.

The sound of shattering glass snapped me back to reality. All the kids in the yard gasped and yelled as we scattered like cockroaches. I sprinted across the yard, up the driveway to my house and straight into my bedroom. I shut the door quickly but quietly so my parents wouldn’t hear.

I sat huddled in a ball on my bed trying to catch my breath. My heart was racing, my face was red. I could hear ringing in my ears. It was exhilarating and terrifying. I clasped my hands together to try to stop them from shaking.

Sometimes, even now, when I feel stressed out like I’m just going to lose it, that memory plays over in my mind and I’m back in that moment with a huge brick held over my head and all of that stress just goes flying through the neighbors front window. It makes me smile a little and laugh at how hugely terrifying something so small can feel.

 

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