The Turning Point

Written January 6, 2006

my thoughts wander quickly in many diverted directions the instant
pressure is applied to this.. my heart...

should i date him? what does that mean? why do i feel like it's a
fatal disease? what's at the core of this issue; that it's him? or
that it's committment?

the double edge sword, the big bad C word... committment.

i cried to god one night... "what is this!? am i just completely
wrecked?!" he answered no, "I am not wrecked"... and yet i felt like
"... but you have a long way to go sweetie..." was not too far behind.

oh the unsettlement in my soul... fear, i decide, is my problem.
quickly to which the spirit reminds me, "there is no fear in love,
real love casts out all fear..."

do i think he can love me? really love me? do i even know what that
looks like? do i think anyone can love me... really love me? is it
worth the chance?

they say when you fall off your bike for the first time, the best
thing you can do is get right back on again... because the longer you
wait, the more fear will build in your heart untill it paralyzes
you... and you never get back on the bike again.

it's happening to me... i've fallen off my bike, and i'm waiting...
waiting ... waiting... to get back on... and i am so afraid... it has
paralyzed the very core of my being to the end of getting rid of the
bike completely. i don't ever want to ride it again.

and yet - i fear being alone... not just being single for a while, or
even years... that is not what i fear. i fear being alone forever...
living the rest of my life as lonily as i am right now.

is it possible that my fear of commitment will keep me alone for the
rest of my life? is this god or is this fear? and how do i know? test
the spirits... and see. taste the lord... and see... but how?

would i be with him now because there is nothing else available? or do i write off my feelings for him because i am too afraid to be happy... to admit that i love someone again? totally and completely... even with the faults, which i see through and through... ???

fear - what exactly do i fear?

that i will give my all and it will not be enough ... again.

that i will crumble for good if this doesn't work out.

that i put way too much pressure on relationships and yet i don't know how not to and that will ruin everything.

that what we have will not compare to what i had...

that i will constantly compare what i have to what i had... and that
will ruin everything.

but i will never know... i'll never know what could have been if i
don't try. and i don't think that this cycle we're in will stop
spinning untill i say ok and give it a shot. it will be great or it
won't... but i'll know. and i'll have faced my fear and will be better because of it... single in the end or not.

and the mole hill becomes a mountain untill i remind myself that to be someone's girlfriend is not a committment to be their wife. i have to get that through my head.