2005 Archives: The Week of Wrestling

So I've had all week off from work.

Prior to this week, I didn't care much about having it off. I actually didn't want it off. Too much work to do at the office and not enough to do at home. I was only taking the week off because it was given to me.

Now that the week is almost over, I don't want to go back. I've been amazingly lazy all week and quite frankly, I've enjoyed it immensely. I don't think I've gotten out of bed before 9am except one morning I went to Orange County to have breakfast with a friend. I've visited family and friends, gone shopping, read a new book and sat around in my pajamas in the middle of the day.

All this time off has allowed my mind to wander down an old and beaten path... one I have not taken for a while. It's one full of illusive questions with even more allusive answers... like what am I doing with my life? Am I happy where I'm at? How did I even get here and is this where I meant to end up? I begin to analyze my life from a birds eye view until my vision blurs and I fall asleep with heavy feelings of saddened angst - fearing the eroding emotions of extreme unsettlement.

In such a heavy sleep I dream of memories long since abandoned to reality's light. Ah, and I see clearly the things that once made me smile and held me captive to the ideal that life can be fulfilling and wholly satisfying if only I held fast to myself. As a child I obstinately declared that I would forever refuse to take a job out of sheer need and I would never work for the sake of acquiring money. I would never sacrifice that which made me happy for that which made me rich... or at least stable. Have I given up such stance? And so I wrestle with the "childish" passion that resides deep within my soul.

I awake to a new morning, laden with a bitter sweat smile of a quickly ending week that has lead me down a long and winding road of soul searching... no, more like wrestling... soul wrestling. Yes, that is accurate. However stated, I woke up today and realized that the week is almost up and reality is close at hand.

Panic. I quickly review my week in fast forward, desperately searching for any glimmer of a future hope, a tiny piece of wisdom to bring solace... nothing... not even a reassuring peace that simply wrestling with life has made me stronger. I fear it's made me weaker. And so I sit and stare out the window... waiting for life to wander by in hopes that I might call out and it will hear me, turn and see my downcast spirit and carry me into something new.