Note pad Scratches

Pride is a peculiar thing. It battles jealousy in the most ruthless of ways. In moments I feel that I'm unwilling to settle for second best, like it's a good thing. And then I realize it's only because I need to be told that I'm worth it, regardless of what place I come in.

And then, in other moments, I feel pride in who I am so much that it's obnoxious. Like how I honestly believe that I'm a good enough writer to string all these random note pad scratches into something that will shake your world in a radical way. Or at least in a way that makes some sort of sense.

Then all at once I'm hit with a humble spirit in which I beg for you to show me something new, teach me. I want to know why I feel so bored. Can you explain so I can understand? I've not always been this bored. This is the break I longed for.

And yet, this is my life, MY life; and I can make it what I want it to be... I just have to figure out what exactly I want it to be. Is that selfish? No. Because I am a person, with feelings, and I matter. Why do I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of that? It could be because I just stole that line from a movie. My own work is much more convincing.

But really, I don't understand most of life; like how I ended up at a random coffee shop in Long Beach, scribbling thoughts on an old freight Delivery note pad on my lunch break. Or how I just became aware of how close to 25 I am, while at the same time I feel like I'm still 15. How does that happen? I also don't understand how so much irresponsibility and personal indecisiveness has lead to a seemingly unconquerable mountain of debt in such an incredible short amount of time. If you had told me five years ago how things would really be right now, I would have laughed in your face; I would have never believed you. Why do I have a feeling that in another five years I will look back on today and say the exact same thing? I myself have no idea what I'm doing.

But I digress; I fear this is going no where.