The one thing that has always held me back in life is fear; the fear that I will try something unfamiliar, something I dont thoroughly know how to do, and that I will fail at it.
I have been that way even as a young child. My mom told me that one time we went to an amusement park as a family and I saw a ride that I wanted to go on. So we got in line and after a while of standing there, I decided I didnt want to go on the ride after all. So we stepped out of line and watched as my brother and father continued on to the ride.
As we were waiting for my brother and father to finish the ride, I asked my mom, What happens when you get to the front of the line? She explained that they would seat us on the ride together. So I asked, Then what happens when the ride is over? How do we get back here? After she explained the whole process of getting on, riding and exiting the roller coaster, I decided that I did actually want to ride it. So we got back in line and went on the ride together.
The only thing in that instance that made me get out of line in the first place was a fear of the unknown. I didnt know how it worked or everything that would happen along the way, so I opted not to go on it at all. I also wouldnt admit in that moment that I was afraid. I questioned everything until I felt one hundred percent safe and then went forward.
When I was in the eighth grade I wanted to try out for tennis. Before I would try out or even pick up a racket, I read everything I possibly could about the game of tennis so that I would know exactly what I was doing when I went out there. I had never played tennis before in my life; but I would never let that show when I played and I sure wasnt going to just learn from experience. I researched and methodically thought out every step before I went on to the court. The ironic thing is that I knew, this being jr. high tennis, that they would teach everyone everything they needed to know as a part of the tryouts. Even still, I would know it all before they could teach me; I would not look like a fool.
Deep inside myself I have a desire, a passion, to do so much; to try so many things. But I dont ever let myself because I am so scared. I take the conservative route, save myself the embarrassment of failure and refuse to even attempt the unknown; I wont even admit to wanting to do it. To actually admit that I want something or to try something but am too scared; that is so embarrassing.
The one thing in all of this that is most perplexing to me is; where did this deep seeded sense of fear come from? Because I have always been this way.
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