When I was growing up, any time I did anything wrong and was confronted by my mom about it, regardless of our conversation, it was always followed by a distance between us. She would pull away for a short time, I felt, as her way of saying, I am disappointed in you and because of what youve done, now you deserve to be alone, and she would withdraw; withholding communication, love and any real connection. Eventually, later that evening or a day or two later, she would come around and things would be fine again- as if nothing had happened.
In the brief time we did spend talking prior to her pulling away, she would always tell me how disappointed she was in me and disappointed that I had done whatever it was. She usually ask me why Id done it and proceed to tell me that there was no real excuse for doing it, that I knew better and shouldnt do it again. Never once did she say she understood how I felt or why I did what I did. Never once did she tell me stories of her own disobedience as a child or try to connect with me on any level. It was like she had this incredible standard of perfection that she expected me to reach all of the time and in the moments that I missed it; I had not just fallen short, I had failed her and I had failed as a human being. It was never something to learn from; it was something to be ashamed of and never ever do again. It was never a good try and youll get em next time. It was failure and you will do perfect from here on out or we will repeat this cycle of disappointment, withdrawal, abandonment
Today Ive noticed within myself that as an adult my biggest fear is disappointment; being disappointed by other people and being a disappointment to other people. I dont know how to allow myself or other people to mess up.
When faced with times when someone else has fallen short and disappointed me, I become my mother I am quick to let them know that they let me down. Then I shut down and want to withdraw. And when I eventually come back around, I dont want to talk about it I dont know how. I just want things to go back to normal.
When faced with times that I have disappointed others, I run into a shell as a defense mechanism because I am so terribly afraid that they are only going to express their disappointment and abandon me. So I shut down and act like nothing is a big deal to me because it hurts too much to open myself up to someone who is going to tell me that Im a disappointment and then leave me, abandoned and alone, worthless until I can prove myself otherwise in time.
This fear also lends to my tendency to be a perfectionist. I try so hard to prove myself so that I can feel a sense of value and worth. I put all my energy into my work so that I have something to point to and say, Look! I am good at this! I did something well I am not a failure!
I have always felt that in my life I do not succeed, I just simply do not fail.
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