Rock Steady

September 4 - Writing Prompt - I am a rock.
Is it easy for you to ask for help when you need it, or do you prefer to rely only on yourself? Why?


It's never easy. I have always felt like I have to be super responsible for myself and the things I wanted or needed to do. Asking for help feels like weakness and being vulnerable is something I have had to learn how to do the hard way. To admit the need for help was embarrassing. It was like admitting failure, which I have always viewed as being unacceptable.


It could be viewed as stubbornness or pride or both. But looking back I see now that it was mostly fear and insecurity. In the few times I had to ask for help with legitimate things like rent, transportation or education, I felt utterly defeated. I literally wanted to crawl into a hole and die.


The more I am able to base my self worth on my character, on who I actually am as a person, the less I am affected in such detrimental ways by things like asking for help or admitting I can't do it all. I'm working on letting go of the idea that I should be able to handle everything alone, that I can be an island, and that I have to do everything perfectly in order to be worth anything.


I think this is why the concept of grace has always struck such a deep chord for me. Undeserved favor.


Human beings are broken, we are frail, we need more than ourselves in order to maintain. We need each other. It's always been easier for me to say that while standing alone, looking out over the masses. The struggle came when I had to walk into the midst of the brokenness and admit that I was just like everyone else.


My best days come when I am able to connect to that brokenness and just let go of the struggle. For me, it is a conscious decision I have to make every day. When I am able to get up and decide to let go of fear, I am able to embrace my life in a whole new way. It helps me manage anxiety, to be more positive, to love those around me freely, and to love myself for who I am.


It is a journey I am learning to sit back and enjoy more and more.