*Names have been changed to protect the innocent... and the not so innocent.
I guess when it’s over, it’s over and I’m just left to pick up the pieces and move forward. But instead I am sitting here like I don’t know what to do with myself, like I have never been here before. I mean, honestly, you’d think I would be used to it by now. But here I am, hosting the train wreck of dating awards and winning in pretty much every category.
It is a long but distinguished list that paves the wretched road of my dating career. And I certainly didn’t waste any time getting in the game.
Chapter one: In the beginning…
David was lucky contestant number one. He was the Asian kid who lived down the street from me. His parents were fresh off the boat Asians and had chickens and corn stock in their backyard.
David and I were in the same fifth grade class at school. Our whole class went on this mission to set all of our friends up with each other. So they set me up with David. I pretended that the whole thing was incredibly childish and that I couldn’t care less whether or not he wanted to hang out with me at recess. I was thrilled, however, to sit next to him on the soccer field the day we magically became boyfriend and girlfriend.
We would sit next to each other at recess every day and just stare across the soccer field. We wouldn’t say a word and everyone made fun of us because we wouldn’t even hold hands. I got bored pretty quickly though and broke up with him, heartlessly stating that “I never wanted you guys to hook us up anyway. You guys are so dumb. I didn’t even like him.” I was incredibly relieved when David’s family moved out of the neighborhood at the end of that school year.
Then there was Jay, or was it Jay then David? I forget. My fifth grade year was so riddled with heartache that it all blurs together.
Jay was my big brother’s best friend. I was in fifth grade and he was in seventh grade. He was so cool; the real popular, funny, skater boy that everyone wanted to be around. One night he stayed over at my house, you know because he was my brother’s friend and all. After I went to bed, he threw a note into my bedroom asking if I liked him. The mixture of sheer thrill, nervousness, borderline embarrassment (mostly that my parents were in the next room) and surrealism made me nauseous. Literally.
Jay and I became boyfriend and girlfriend but mostly we just walked around and I would keep my hands in my pockets so he wouldn’t try to hold them. We had a real knock down break up fight. My brother gave him the heads up that I wanted to break up with him (turncoat), so he beat me to the punch. We exchanged a series of break up letters that said real mature things like “you’re an idiot and I never liked you anyway” and “you’re a girl who needs to stop dressing like a boy in your brother’s clothes!” You can take a stab at who said what there.
I took sixth grade off of the dating scene. There was this amazing black guy in my class though. His name was Devonte and he was the fastest runner in the class. I was very into running that year, and I swear it wasn’t because of Devonte. I had taken up track and if I don’t say so myself, I was pretty damn fast. Since I was the fastest girl in my class and he was the fastest boy, I figured it might work out. One day at recess we had a race. I won. I still think he let me win. But its okay, I thought it was sweet.
Chapter two: Reoccurring patterns…
Junior high was a pretty happening time in my life. I was in loooooove with Jesse. Everyone in the world knew it, except him. He was Mr. Popular and all the girls swooned over him. My googly eyes went totally unnoticed. I had been deemed the “little sister” of our group of friends so there was no way he would ever be looking my way. Oh well.
Michael enters the picture in the spring of my seventh grade year. My friend Matt brought Michael to youth group one night (ah, where all the good hook ups start…. Church). I can still remember the moment I saw Michael walk into the room. It was a total slow motion moment and I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing as I watched him enter the room, kick up his skateboard, and take a seat with all the other cool skater boys.
Over spring break shortly thereafter, we all went on a trip to Mexico with our youth group. That’s where the blessed connection was solidified and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. We were a couple of tortured souls, finding solace in each others wrecked embrace. God, we were so dramatic. I definitely let this guy hold my hand. He got a little too “emo” on me though, so I bailed.
My freshman year of high school was pretty epic. Jesse was a year ahead of me, so by the time I got there, he had already set the stage for me as his “little sister” (God damn that title!). At least it was an instant “become popular free” card. Being new and instantly popular with the fellas had its positives and negatives… like accidently dating two best friends.
Enter Sean; a stocky, well built, cowboy looking, blond haired, blue eyed stud. I saw him across the hall from my locker one day. All I said to my friend Melissa was “who’s that?!” She quickly responded, “Oh my god, that’s Sean! He’s like my best friend. He’s so cute! You guys should totally hook up!” Off she went before I could even open my mouth to respond. Soon enough, I was Sean’s new girlfriend. He was sweet, soft spoken and very gentleman-like. He walked me to Spanish class one day and kissed me at the door. I walked into class, sat down and thought “Oh my god, I just had my first kiss…. With some guy… in front of my entire Spanish class….. fabulous.”
Two weeks later I decided that Sean was just not exciting enough. Okay, he was straight up boring. Plus there was this other hottie named Scott who was much cooler. So I called up Sean and broke it to him gently, “I just don’t think this is a good idea. I’m sorry.” Click.
Scott was taller, with the “I played football last year but am kind of slacking this year” physique. But he was really funny and totally popular, which apparently is what I go for. After a few days, I noticed that Scott and I were quite the conversation piece at school. When I finally asked what all the fuss was about, my friend politely said, “Everyone thinks you broke up with Sean for Scott.” To which I innocently responded, “So what if I did? I don’t like Sean, I like Scott.”
“Yeah, but Sean and Scott have been best friends since they were five.”
Oops.
In the end it was all for not anyway. Scott was too big of a flirt with every girl he came across. When I tried to break up with him on account of his out of control flirting habit, he argued that both of his parents were natural flirts, so really he can’t help it.
Michael and I came full circle that year, once again going to Mexico on a trip with our youth group over spring break. As it turns out, in our time apart, he had tried to commit suicide, apparently on account of the heartbreak my departure inflicted on him. Why I thought it would be a good idea to hook up with him again after that is beyond my understanding. At any rate, we jumped on the relationship bandwagon once again. In a strange twist, I found myself falling for him. It was about that time he fell for someone else. To whatever depths a fifteen year old heart can feel heart ache, I felt it for the very first time. I decided right then and there that I would never ever fall “in love” again.
Chapter three: Never say never…
I decided I would never ever fall “in love” again. Until, of course, I was sixteen. My family moved from a small town in central California to Los Angeles, California, where I met Daniel. It was a picture perfect scenario. Seriously, we should have been called Ken and Barbie. My dad was the Pastor of our church, his dad was an Elder, they went golfing together, our moms would get together to paint and do all that artsy crafty stuff, our families spent holidays together, the sun was always shining and rainbows were perpetually hanging above our heads. He, of course, was incredibly funny and popular and charming.
Almost five years later, I had a ring on my finger. But the sunshine and rainbows were gone. His humor and charm had turned into manipulation and narcissism. It was all together wretched and to this day, I am not sure how I made it out alive. I wasn’t heartbroken though. It was more defeat than heartbreak.
Somehow, I had stumbled out of my teenage years and was fumbling around in adulthood when Vince took center stage. He was the knight in shining armor who was going to rescue me from all of my tortured heartbreak. He battled with my commitment issues for years before I finally let him in. For a moment, it was fabulous. It wasn’t sunshine and rainbows and all that jazz. It was real and pure and could only be what I had imagined love was. But we were both far too fragile to withstand our own stubborn battles. We defined “hot mess” and wore it proudly like a badge until it killed us.
I didn’t walk away from that relationship. I just laid there and watched it slip away from me for a few years. Eventually, I picked up the pieces and carried them with me as I walked on, at which point I accidently stumbled across one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met in my life. But I was ruined and hopeless, so I didn’t say a word. Until he started dating my roommate. I quickly put the last brick on the wall I was building around my heart. I went on a couple random dates with some random hotties to distract myself before packing up my life and moving out of state.
Chapter four: Nothing new under the sun…
A new state, a new life, no boys allowed. I was hiding away in this little town to focus on school and move on with my life. This little town, nor anyone in this little town, was going get to me.
Then I met Arrie. There was a faint flutter in the back of my heart the day we met. I don’t know if it was because he complimented my beer selection as I came stumbling into the house with a case of Mirror Pond or, well actually, that’s probably what did it. At any rate, I took the faint flutter as a warning sign and ran the hell away.
I ran right into Kevin and accidently started dating Arrie’s arch enemy. I am not known for my smooth moves in romance. Anyway, Kevin was fun and cute but in no way able to distract me from that stupid heart flutter at the mention of Arrie’s name.
And just like that, Kevin was gone, Arrie was back, and that brick wall I had spent so much time building was coming down faster than Larry Craig in a Minneapolis washroom (thank you, SNL). I’m still not sure at what point I decided that allowing anyone to knock down a wall I had worked so hard to put up was a good idea. I am a mystery, even to myself.
At any rate, I now stand surrounded by quite a huge pile of rubble. I hope the next Mr. Right is a good hiker; he’s going to have quite the mountain of bricks to climb over to find me.
The End, sort of…
Afterword:
It figures that the Pacific North West has some pretty good hikers. His name is JJ and he literally came out of no where, like just dropped from the sky and landed in my lap. Neither one of us had the emotional energy to hike over the mountains of rubble we both had blocking our view. But somehow we ended up standing right in front of each other.
He was everything I had started to think didn’t exist. Yeah. He was THAT guy.
Who knows why or how our paths crossed. My hope was that they weren’t crossing, so much as merging. But who am I to direct the traffic of this life? He went left, I went right.
I feel like I made a wrong turn, but I don’t feel like I really turned at all. I feel like I just pulled over. Every since I moved to the Pac North West, I’ve really lost all sense of direction.
And so back onto the road I merge, not really sure of where I’m headed but enjoying the journey as I go. Because you never know what, or who, is right around the bend.
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