Rough Around the Edges

I’m sitting on the back patio of a coffee shop, overlooking the Siuslaw river in Oregon. It’s like I’m on vacation but I end up here every day. I suppose it is time to come to terms with the reality that I live here.

Six months ago I wasn’t even sure I was going to make this move. Now I’m here and am finding it to be a very surreal existence. Am I here? Really? Seriously? My response is a surprisingly casual shrug of the shoulders. Looking around at all that is now my life, I smile.

My mixed emotions and feelings of absolute weirdness about being in a new place seemingly so far from what was once normal and familiar is nothing new. I have been in this place before. This barrage of excitement and fear and anxiety and happiness and the sheer thrill of the new. I find myself recalling all the changes I have been through; some by choice, some not.

It was quite a journey getting here. Not just the two day drive but the mental and emotional beating I put myself through over the past six months. All the petty things I thought I wanted had to be stripped away so I could clearly see the things my heart has always drawn me to in life. Being backed into a corner and forcing myself to find my own priorities and stand on them firmly through all the questioning and spot light accusations really made me learn what it is to be me.

One thing about me though, is that I always try to be somebody else. I always try to be the person everyone else wants me to be. And I have been fighting with that person for years. Beating myself up every day is exhausting. So maybe my critics think it’s extreme and random and unnecessary to have picked up and moved to a whole other state. But driving away from California, I drove away from that person – the one who is constantly seeking to please you.

And I learned another valuable lesson about the very nature of my existence. Where I live does not define me. The friends I have or do not have, does not define me. Even my family does not define me. At the end of the day, I have to make the choice alone. I define me.

I know all you super spiritual yahoos are screaming, “No! No! God defines you! He is the ultimate creator….. blah, blah, blah. Amen.” Yeah, I get it. God created me uniquely, in His image to be a wonderful blessing to those around me, to reflect the wondrous glory of all that is holy. I’ll throw you that bone.

But in reality, in the harsh struggle of learning and understanding and experiencing and becoming… in that reality, I have to come to terms with my own being and my own ability to make decision and my own responsibility for those decisions I make.

And I am finding that to finally be a pretty cool process. So here’s to all that I miss, all that I now have, and all that is to come. Cheers.